Being free to leave your stamp on your work. 

Ive always tried to live my life without presuppositions that other people teach. Ive spent hours trying to live with a freedom that I believed I found. Ive spent years meditating on one verse at a time trying not only to understand how it was related to other parts of the scripture but to dissect what motivated me to the fullest happiness that I could experience. I felt that it was more important to understand my own happiness than to accept other peoples definitions of happiness. If I did not speak a word in company or work really hard with my hands to obtain my goal I wanted to be happy in my own skin.

This is why my interests in meditation grew into an obsession that turned my view of myself from the inside which worked itself to the outside. My experience in my own mind was mixed with divine imagination in which I lost interest in every body else reactions to events and people as if it defined what I would experience in reacting to the same things. After about 20 years of meditation over the same verses my quest for more knowledge was swallowed up by the inward experiences I had in all those years of my meditation. I realized that I was being overcome by feelings and memories that freed me from being defined by my work or by what I accomplished. Anything that I felt that was trapping me into being defined was in my mind an opposition to the divine influences that brought me into a world that freed me to enjoy my imagination. I have tried to experience this flow of divine life through freeing myself through hours of meditation.

I believed that if I was experiencing this freedom it would infect everyone around me. I mean not in trying to explain this freedom but finding it and living in it. And this is what I enjoyed about the people in my life. I believe my wife was a pioneer in how she accomplished so much with her ministries. In my secret meditations I was cursing the danger of her being thwarted in some way. I would use the Psalms to bring myself into an original experience in which i would get pleasure in trying to imagine how I could understand what it would be like if she was free to develop and be successful in implementing her ideas.  I experienced this freedom as I watched her be successful.