on: August 15, 2014, 02:16:17 PM

I ve lived in my head all of my life. I used to be sensitive about the relationships I was in. I used to go away from a conversation rehearsing everything that was said and wondering if I had said the wrong thing. I do not know were I learned being comfortable with regret and shame but it was part of my early experience. I look back and see how destructive my thought process was. Anyway I learned to put the bad things i thought about in a box for awhile and just focus on God through scripture. I had a struggle at first because its hard to let old patterns of thought die. I now believe that there is not gonna be much change in confronting these bad habits but ignoring them and meditating on God. I began to enjoy God talking to me through scripture. So I would use scripture to experience the communication of Gods love. I cannot read other peoples minds but I can hear how they are talking and get some insight into what they are focused on. Most people occupy their minds with what they need to do on a daily basis. They make goals and think about the plans of the day. My problem comes when I explain to people how I learned to think. Its always how irresponsible I am in my focusing on big ideas and being lazy in my planning. I used to get frustrated at the reaction but now how I think is like being at home. Its just become natural because it feeds my motives so that I get the most out of whatever I am accomplishing. I tell people who question my philosophy that ive learned that I can create something in the future that comes back to me in my connections to things and people. I used to hear that the answer for worry and anxiety is that God is in control so why worry? It never was explained to me that God recreates reality and not just that He created all things. This creative artistic stroke by God is done through pronouncements. He makes promises and then He acts upon them. What I am saying is that God creates good by His spoken word. I think most people have a kind of natural disassociation to what happens in their lives and what God has said in His secret counsel about the events. I used to enjoy Disney movies. Where the witch would cast a spell on her victims. Why do people enjoy watching this kind of word to action association? I think its part of our love for redemption. We like to hear stories of people who we think are lucky to win the lottery. When we think about people who receive something that is too good to be true we feel good. What happens if God gives us words in scripture that kind of cast a spell? Did God just give us these words to challenge us to obey or did He intertwine them with His desires so that they move Him to act? Ive learned that there is a christian disassociation in how the average person talks about planning and doing. I think there is this whole magic idea that moves God by pronouncing what He has said. And I cant explain how it is accomplished. I just know that it inflames my motives, it gives me a feeling that God loves me beyond what I could think and it makes such a big disassociation from one day to the next of the natural working of things that I no longer feel the events themselves are as necessary but only how God is gonna create good from them. So even when I screw up i never feel as if it was out of order ...there was something I needed to hear or learn that is necessary for my good. Its total unity.